February 09, 2005
Pinkeye Chainsaw
So, the damn cat has frigging pink eye. For the next two weeks I have to cram my greasy, antibiotic-tipped finger into her eyeball three times a day. Her zeal for this activity is indicated by a menacing low-pitch growl that says, "If you weren't 15 times heavier than me, I'd fuck you up." Actually, she's a prety good sport about it.
I need a chainsaw. I need a chainsaw for a couple reasons. You might think the first reason is that I need a chainsaw to compensate for some sort of masculine or materialistic void in my life, and you might be right. Actually, I think the shortcoming is that the chainsaw represents the missing link in my firewood circle of life. Moving backwards from the fireplace, let's review the key components:
- I have the fireplace in which to burn the wood, which we do three to four times a week.
- I have space with which to store a ton of wood a safe distance from the house, covered, and off the ground to keep the termites out of it.
- I have the axe, splitting maul, and requisite iron wedges with which to convert large stumps to fireplace-sized chunks for seasoning and burning.
- I even have a truck in which to transport large quantities of wood to and fro all the love long day.
But I lack the tool to down a tree and cut it into several small pieces for splitting. Don't get me wrong, I'll fell a tree with an axe, but an axe is impractical for reducing the trunk into several fireplace length stumps.
The other reason I need/want a chainsaw is for doing battle with the countless sapplings that block all the sun from my backyard and serve as "danger-lettuce enablers." The Geester and I would like to get our garden on, but there is not nearly enough light in the garden area. "Well why don't you just move the garden?" Cram it, dunderpate. I'm going to move the sunlight. And I'm going to do it with a chainsaw. Don't get me wrong, we have a ton of great trees and those aren't going anywhere. We just want to reclaim some square footage from the underbrush.
Also, think of the blogging potential.
Posted by tony at February 9, 2005 09:26 AMAlso, think of the blogging potential.
Like pictures of you with the chainsaw on your shoulders?
Posted by: Jen #2! at February 9, 2005 06:07 PMdanger lettuce=kudzu?
Posted by: mike at February 9, 2005 06:16 PMDude. Danger Lettuce.
Posted by: tony at February 9, 2005 06:54 PMI love my Poulan. It can give more than a stern talking to any pesky yard trees I feel no longer belong in my world. I've had mine for 3 years and no problems.
http://www.poulan.com/products/chainsaws/gas/prod_2250.asp
If it's not a manhood thing then just get a nice little reliable low maintenance electric chainsaw. They are great for small jobs. I love mine. If it secretly is a man thing (and what isn't), then only a Stihl will do. Anything else would make you a poser. By the way, I went to the county cork tonight and sucked down a Lagunitas Stout delivered to my lips via cask conditioning. I think it may have been the best glass of suds in the history of me. Envy that, Atlanta boy.
Posted by: Phil at February 10, 2005 12:49 AMI agree with the Stihl. They sponsor the damn lumberjack games for chrissakes. Or if underbrush is the real issue, get one of those land manglers they advertise on the tv that has like 9 blades and motorcycle chopper type handle bars. If you get that one, let me know. I'll want to watch the carnage.
Posted by: Jeremy at February 10, 2005 11:26 AM"Move the Sunshine with a Chainsaw" sounds like a Christian metal band song.
Posted by: Shannon at February 10, 2005 03:42 PMdude, get a chainsaw.
I "borrowed" one from my neighbor about a year ago and its the only thing in life that keeps me from killing myself.
I can't wait for some warm (or non-rainy) weather...