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November 10, 2004

DaveFM? More like suck and ass. Good one, Tony. Thanks.

I wrote this a couple weeks ago and forgot to post it:

Those of you in Atlanta can skip this paragraph and get right to the meat. For all y'alls not in or from Atlanta, here is a little background information before I pull-start the old bitchin' and whinin' weed eater: For many many years, there was a radio station in town called Z93. It was actually 92.9 on the FM dial, but in the radio world I guess one-tenth of a MHz does not false advertising make. Z93 was a rock and/or roll station, and, last time I checked, they were positioning themselves as the "classic rock" counterpart to 96Rock's (96.1) "hard rock" lineup, which is to say, 96Rock didn't include as many Rush or Wings sleepers but replaced them with new, fresh audio puke like Corn, Limp Biscuit, and Lincoln Park. Whatever. Their demographics were more like "old rednecks" vs. "not-as-old rednecks."

Anyway, A couple months ago, (Infinity-owned) Z93 announced that they will be changing formats to appeal to people my age (mid-twenties to mid-thirties) of moderate musical taste; moderate meaning nothing too quiet and nothing too abrasive. They would be dumping the classic rock in favor of light modern rock or some such white bread. This new format would be called DaveFM: Rock Without Rules. When it happened, I cared as much about it as I would hearing Wal-Mart was opening a new store on the other side of town. "Hey look! Some NYC-based media conglomerate is changing their uninteresting music lineup to feature a more current uninteresting music lineup in a move to increase ad revenue!" What has two thumbs and isn't going to listen either way?

Then, I began to hear people around me chirp that DaveFM doesn't suck. Since I had never heard of a radio station going after this specific demographic before, I thought to myself, "I have never heard of a radio station going after this specific demographic before. I wonder what DaveFM has done to pique the demo's interest?" I surfed by it a couple times and remember thinking, "This particular song inspires urges neither suicidal nor homicidal, but if I never heard it again I probably wouldn't notice." I'll admit, I'm an overly-skeptical audience member whose chances of ever being satisfied by commercial radio are slim to none. But I think that is all the more reason companies should view me as the ultimate focus group and shower me with free stuff and affection to try to change my mind.

My radio dial is usually pinned on 90.1 - WABE as I am only in the car for a few minutes during rush hour and I want to hear something that's not going to piss me off or make me dumber or both. Last week, however, was the fall pledge drive so I found myself venturing out into the commercial landscape to see what I've been missing. I am here to report that DaveFM does in fact suck, and not only that, it represents something much more sinister and depressing with regards to the maturation of my generation.

DaveFM embodies my generation's already rapid decline into the realm of the uninspired, the intolerant, and the crotchety; a realm where we care infinitely more about our property taxes and deciding between Chili's and Applebee's than we do about our own cultural stimulation. Just because they play such envelope-shredding visionaries as the Stone Temple Pilots and the Luke Warm Silly Peckers doesn't mean that DaveFM is not a soul-crushing soft-rock station, because it is exactly that: A spirit-stifling soft-rock station wrapped in the fleeting freshness of change and boasting a big, comforting "Welcome back to high-school, latter Gen-Xers!" stamp on the front.

I'm sure several of you are already typing comments that attempt to point out my apparent hypocrisy on this issue, citing my seemingly pedestrian, suburban lifestyle to say I'm the pot calling the kettle something something. You're partly right, except in this case, I'm calling the kettle a spineless idiot who is deaf to the sounds of his or her own soul dying!! I may mow my lawn neatly and evenly, but does that mean I want my mental landscape to be manicured the same way? Shit no, bitch! Get off my lawn!!

It is inevitable that people eventually grow older and inconceivably lamer, but that doesn't mean I have to quietly sit by and like it. Spending this kind of time and energy huffing and puffing about a target as easy as some lame-ass commercial radio station might seem futile, but I find it to be very therapeutic. Keeping my standards arbitrarily high will hopefully protect me from the urge to buy a Corvette when I get to my forties.

In conclusion, turn the radio off. Still.

Posted by tony at November 10, 2004 09:04 AM