For lunch today, I got some soup from the deli in the basement of my building. I started feeling the faintest little ache in the left side of my throat this morning, and I don\’t want to be the first person in my office to go down this season. Everyone will surely get sick themselves eventually, but if I\’m first, then they\’ll all secretly blame me. And they\’ll rationalize it to my face by saying, \”You know, there is something going around lately … \” Guess what … there is ALWAYS something going around. That\’s about as insightful as saying, \”You know, grizzly bears have been known to kill the shit out of you.\” So, in the interest of avoiding scrutiny, I pounded hot tea all morning and applied preemptive, unilateral force at lunch. Taking my cues from America\’s democratically elected cabal of war criminals, my plan is to eat chicken soup, drink lots of orange juice, sit shivering and moaning under a blanket, and pile up soiled tissues next to my desk all BEFORE I get sick, and that way I won\’t get sick. Or something.
On most days, I eat lunch at my desk, especially now that the weather has gotten all nippley outside, and today was no different. I am, however, a little OCD about keeping the old cube completely free of foodstuffs while not actively engaged in \”lunch break.\” Maybe this is a little Seinfeldian of me, but when I visit a coworker\’s desk for whatever reason, the last thing I want to see is shrapnel from last night\’s leftovers that managed to escape the Tupperware. I try to extend the same courtesy. I\’m also vigilant because it doesn\’t take long for your cube to degenerate into a messy dorm kitchenette. A greasy thumbprint here, a coffee stain there. It can happen without you even realizing it, and before you know it, your boss is all, \”Gimme that,\” and you\’re all, \”Here,\” and they\’re all, \”What\’s that on the back of it,\” and you\’re all, \”Uh … I don\’t know,\” and they\’re all, \”Mental note: Ew.\” I\’m just sayin\’. This is your career I\’m talking about. Let\’s keep it clean.
Today was the first day I had ever eaten soup from a little cup at my desk, and I took plenty of time to make sure I could pull it off without leaving any sort of Mmm Mmm Residue. I took the first bite and quickly realized I had an entirely different problem. My injection-moulded plastic spoon had a razor-sharp edge on one side that sliced the holy hell out of my lip with each bite. I tried multiple different maneuvers, but anything that came close to working also took me dangerously close to flinging chicken noodley goodness all over my department. How can one eat hot soup without allowing the corners of one\’s mouth touch the razor sharp edges of the spoon? In the end, I tossed the spoon and carefully drank the soup like a cup of coffee.
Speaking of OCD, you know what drives me nuts? When people on public radio have their mouths too close to the mic and the gain knob turned up waaaay too high. Sure they don\’t have to talk very loud, but there\’s this saliva crackle effect that makes me want to yodel groceries. Once I notice it, I fixate on it. Before long is begins to sound like slurping, and it\’s the slurping noises that really bother me. (EXTMEME note: What a weak attempt at a curve ball. I\’m so ashamed.)
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EXMEME \’05:
Alenda Lux
Audacity
Being Amber Rhea
Blog This
Daily Dose of Dave
Drama Wench
Geester
Grabbing Sand
Monotonous
My Daily Struggle
Radical Georgia Moderate
So-called Profundity
Str8jacket
A good Rogue will make you feel better. Thanks, by the way, for recommending it. We tried the Hazelnut Brown Nectar and the Choc Stout. Very nice stuff – that should cure what ails you.
You know, my Grandmother used to have a cold remedy that worked like a mothe.. well it worked. She would mix lemon juice and honey (or mole-asses) into a very large jelly jar full of whiskey. Sure enough – soon she’d be dancing about the kitchen, singing “There once was a sailor named…”. You get the idea. So – since everybody is all like “low-carb”, here’s my idea: Get a very large jelly jar. Squirt in some lime juice. Top off the jar with tequila. I’m thinkin’ that it would probably work just as good.
I’m not a doctor, but I brew beer. Same thing.
T.
Are you talking about the saliva crackle that Carl Kassel has? I think it sounds like his dentures are loose.
I am totally with you about not liking food in my cube. You know what’s disgusting? When you notice a co-worker’s keyboard covered with nasty grease stains, and bits of food all stuck in between the keys. PEOPLE! Have you know dignity?? Is this how you behave at home??
YUCK, I say.
I prefer to leave the wreckage of my foodstuff all over the cubicle in the hopes that people will leave me the fuck alone. Plus, if someone uses my keyboard to wipe out something it will be easier to dust for fingerprints with the grease all over the keys. They could poke the keys with my pen, but I so frequently stick it up my nose they likely won’t touch it. I’m real popular at work.
Holiday Brewfest tonight in Pioneer Square. See you there!!!
Chaz, may you be bludgeoned to death by 500 angry phalluses.
see you there chaz!!!! 30 winter brews this year, lineup looks pretty damn yummy.